It's the first time in 4 years that I cried because of relationship.
It is the first time as a fully-grown adult that I cried all day for 7 days straight.
About 3-4 days prior to that I've been feeling like something is boiling inside. I felt my breath had gotten stiff. I felt like inside my body is a volcano that was about to erupt. I felt like tears coming down, I choke, but nothing came out.
a month prior to that I was asked from my man (more like his mother) to attend a GTO, a course for life happiness. Really frustrated by the whole process, I decided to leave mid way. Not caring whether anyone would be upset. There was, however, a very scary session about digging into your inner sins, karma, things that hold your back from a happy-successful life, whatever they called it. The staff brought out a mirror and had to stare at it. They tie a rope around your waist and hold on to one end, telling us that once you see your karma in the mirror you would not be able to control yourself. I was almost the last one in the line because, duh, I was by the door about to leave already before the staff asked me to go back. Being the usual me, of course, the entire room were filled with people screaming, crying, yelling at the mirror, trying to run into the mirror, talking to their own karma, trying to destroy it.
When it was my turn, no surprise, I saw nothing. Well..... I lied. I told them I saw nothing and of course I was probably one of the two or three people in that entire room that the mirror could do nothing to us (there were about 150 people in the room).
I lied. I saw my very unhappy self in that mirror. very dull and unhappy. But I can't cry. I didn't feel like crying. I wasn't programmed to cry to anything, especially crying in front of a crowd knowing that they expected me to cry. I didn't feel anything.
However, the same annoying staff who asked me to go back said something to me earlier in the day that made me almost punch her in the face.
"I feel like you are crying hard inside. But there was this incredibly thick, unbreakable shell covers that crying soul that no one could enter"
How dare she. Not that she wasn't right. But whoever tries to break that shell always end up getting killed by their own weapon. It bounces right back into their heart.
I was in the worst state of life back then. But it wasn't anyone's business.
There are 3 people in my life who could easily opened the shell and let the crying baby out. She is not one of them.
Mother, Father, and another person.
The person whom I used to vow to give my life to.
The person who put me into hell 5 years ago when he broke my trust.
And it was the same person who made the volcano erupted again 3 weeks ago.
After all this time.... He still makes me cry.
